You know you are a toddlers parent…..

The toddler stage of childhood is a marvel to watch, that’s when you aren’t surgically removing lego from your foot, our little cherubic babies have turned into hormonal dictators requiring skills that far outweigh any trained hostage negotiator. You know you are a toddler parent if the following things happen to you:

  • Mealtimes are a specific balancing act of negotiation, bribery, white lies and defeat
  • You didn’t realise a root vegetable could be blended within an inch of it’s life to never look like it originally looked
  • All vegetables and fruit are ranked on their alien powers and their strength to defend the nation
  • Did you not know that food could be smooshed into even the smallest of crevices never to be found again
  • Your chocolate is no longer ever going to be yours and yours alone
  • There will never be a secret stash place for goodies you don’t want to share
  • Sharing is caring when it is something you are eating and a toddler wants, sharing is no when it is the other way round
  • Your child may briefly share a piece of chocolate with you, rest assured it will have either been in their mouth already and rejected, be covered in snot or have been on the floor
  • You WILL spend ages lovingly preparing a healthy meal for your toddler, this will be rejected on a regular basis with the words I’m not hungry but I have room for pudding.
  • If you are the mother to the male variety of toddler then every surface off the ground automatically becomes a launch pad
  • Inappropriate naming of Octonauts characters are met with disdain, tutting and disbelieve
  • You will find toy cars in many orifices you did not know existed
  • You can guarantee the crucial double ended piece of wooden train track that is required to complete your 6798083 piece of track is missing, this is found out at the end of construction
  • The words for Shark in the Park become ingrained in your brain so whilst you are trying to get to sleep all that is going round in your head is Timothy Pope, Timothy Pope
  • The words, willy, bum, poo and fart are regularly used in different guises to describe your face
  • You will be often requested to admire a poo that your toddler has done and to pass comment
  • The whole restaurant will be told in a loud voice that you did a wee and farted when you took your toddler to the toilet
  • Potty Training is a war of the fittest and who breaks first
  • You will regularly find yourself pulling over in the car at breakneck speed as your toddler has announced that they need a wee and to be quick as it is coming only to find that they barely do a drop when you have ruined your shoes climbing up a grass verge to do a wilderness wee
  • You give up having a soak in the bath as you don’t have the hours needed to take all the bath toys out to be able to run the bath in the first place
  • You go to work with a Peppa Pig plaster stuck on your bum
  • You know this list could go on into infinity and beyond….

The very steep learning curve I have been on with my toddler has taught me a lot of things, there has been some major highs and some really big lows but the very best thing about being a toddlers mum for me though is when H says “I love you to the moon and back and back to the smelly dump”

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